hotwaterfortea

i went to my friends talk today about writing poetry. she called poems snapshots in time, like a poem is just a photograph, an essay is a tv show and a novel is a movie. haha i liked that. and i could feel myself relaxing about it, a snapshot doesn't have to be truth forever, but just how i am feeling in a moment, from the past or now

so i wrote these two in the workshop

my heart still wrenches
and my face floods
even though i know everything i should know.
tired of cliches,
i walk in one,
and your shoes still live in a box



my mouth waters
sometimes
when i think of you
no one knows this,
except me
i want to tell you
but the words carry too much of my heart on their way out
So i keep them in.
and say i love you instead

hey some folks i know in michigan near ann arbor are putting on a really awesome event this upcoming weekend...
i wish i could go...

I am too old to have missed out on reccess - it is wild to me that some schools don't have it anymore, although i do hope they won't bring dodgeball back..

i have been away too long on here - more to come soon i miss writing

Rethinking Recess: Where Did It Go?!
A One-day Conference co-sponsored by For Generations to Come Nature Sanctuary and the Rudolf Steiner School of Ann Arbor

On Saturday, October 25, 2008
9 AM to 4 PM at the High School Campus of the Rudolf Steiner School of Ann Arbor
2230 Pontiac Trail, Ann Arbor, MI 48105
www.rethinkingrecess.com

HOW DID WE LOSE THESE IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF GROWING UP?!:
• safe and unstructured play
• connecting to an attitude of love and care for one's body
• providing opportunities for heartfelt nature experiences for children throughout their school years

AND, HOW DO WE BRING THEM BACK AND ENHANCE THEM FOR THE LIFE OF A 21ST CENTURY HUMAN?!

This enlivening one-day conference will
1. ADDRESS THE HIDDEN AND NOT SO HIDDEN COSTS OF LETTING RESTORATIVE PLAY GO: costs to children, communities and our future.
2. ADDRESS THE PROFOUND BENEFITS OF RESTORATIVE PLAY.
3. SHARE INSPIRING NEW SOLUTIONS FOR A MODERN WORLD THROUGH EXPERIENTIAL GAMES CALLED “FLASH RECESSES.”

After a survey of the expanding body of research on the value of these experiences to children and all who support their growth, we will explore ideas for introducing methods and exercises into any learning environment or time frame that will invite children away from the couch and the computer screen and into engagement of their bodies in ways that include the enjoyment of the natural world that sustains them.

THIS CONFERENCE IS FOR: anyone interested in the future of our children. This includes teachers to grandparents, administrators to child care providers, PTO and school board members, parents and teens.

A healthful lunch will be provided.

Cost: $49.00 if pre-registered by October 11th; $59.00 after October11th. Students attend free.

For more information visit www.rethinkingrecess.com

e-mail register@fgtcsanctuary.org or call 888-765-4722

so 13 years ago yesterday i quit drinking. i've stayed quit so in a sense that part has been simple to me. once i get something in my head finally, the logic tends to hold for me. and if something like strawberries made me as sick and as miserable as alcohol does, i would hope that i'd stop eating the fucking strawberries. but these things can take some time for some reason...

at first i hung around mostly with other sober people going to meetings every day - i loved aa in new york city. there were moviestars and crazy people and i fell in love with a cute blond brit coke addict. i was pretty happy, for the first time in a long time, maybe ever really, even though it was a strange time. my head kind of turned inside out and all of my emotions were exploding out like an electrical storm. and then after about 6 months clean when the flashbacks from the trauma i had as a kid started to unfurl again i could just go in there and cry and cry.

there are a lot of really good expressions i picked up there. that can apply to life in general i think... one of my favorites is -

if someone tells you that you have a tail, you can laugh and tell them they are full of shit. but if 3 different people tell you that you have a tail... you might want to at least turn around and take a look...

cheers to life

i wanted to find some new music a little while back so i decided to put words in that i liked for searches. i had put up a picture of a turkish cigarette girl so i did a search for turkish gypsy carnival music and found balkan beatbox. yay!

i haven't gotten quite that lucky since... but tonight i searched for space punk french lounge and didn't find much really so i shortened it to space punk french and found this video. ahhh

space punk


i like the little dog chasing the fire :)

so over a week ago i got pulled over, right in front of my house, because my front headlight was out... i didn't get a ticket luckily but when i bought the new bulb and looked in the owners manual on how to change it i realized it looked really effing hard to do. i had helped a. change bulbs twice before, but it was inside the hood. this involved going down under the fender in front of the tire and all this stuff that looked complicated. and i needed a screwdriver which i didn't have on me. so for this whole week i have been driving around with one headlight, trying to get home before dark and keeping the bulb in the front seat along with the manual in case i got pulled over i could plead my case..
so today was the day. armed with my screwdriver i went out to tackle the job.

i got into the panel okay, but then i was supposed to turn the bulb a quarter turn counter clockwise. when i tried it this felt as impossible. and it was hard to get my hand in there and i couldn't see. so i went inside and got a flashlight. tried some more, nothing. and my hair kept falling in my face. so i got barrettes. and some dude driving by honked at me. not sure why and he was smiling and kinda cute so i didn't decide if that was good or bad or both. oh! and i found myself getting annoyed that i was single. i just ended a relationship recently and the boy was a mechanic and could fix most anything, and always wore this hat with a little light in it, so i felt helpless without him. except this is ridiculous because it was a long distance relationship and he would never have been there to help me with this! so where were these feelings coming from? ell if i know but i pushed through. this shit runs deep for us ladies i think...

my arm was getting sore and scratched up and the whole thing was just exhausting my will. i sat back and realized i may have to give up and take it in somewhere to have them do it. this bummed me out. at that point i knew pretty well that the manual was correct, i was in the right place, i was pushing on the right bit, it just wouldn't budge. so i decided to try it one more time. this time i said to myself that i was willing to break it. that i would rather break it and bring that in to be fixed than bring this bulb in to be replaced. and boom the little effing thing gave all at once, a quater turn counter clockwise. just like it said in the little book.

i fell back on the dirt and just lay there. i was so happy. and relieved. then i had to get the connector out too and that was almost as impossible but this time i had more confidence. it took a few tries though.



getting the new one in was super easy then. whew!

this is my baby cousin out in los angeles who has been organizing freeway rides...



we were really tight as kids, i lived in jersey but we would go out there every year in the summer to visit. and even though he was 10 years younger than me we would just hang out. even when he was a baby we would just chill.

i ran off with bike punks this last year and built a tall bike, after a long stretch of bicycle aversion bordering on phobia. so it is awesome for me to feel the convergence of this, and to appreciate as s. said that it's in my blood haha

so i got a flat tire this morning. i was heading out to boulder and heard something funky so i turned around to go back home. i was thinking oh crap why do things always go wrong, and just at that moment i passed a garage and this guy waved me in holding the air hose. he had heard and seen my flat and filled it up enough to get me the last 3 blocks home. the timing reminded me that i just have to keep going, there will be obstacles and there will be help and i just have to keep going...

so i decided to try to change it myself to the little spare. i have helped do this minimally, and watched it be done, but never tried alone. A. helped me see where the jack needed to be set up, but i did all the rest myself... i think i have gotten physcially stronger since the bike stuff and also have been helping friends move the last few weekends, lifting boxes, maybe that helped. it is so easy to want to let a guy take care of something like this, and honestly if there had been a guy around who was willing to do it i would have been glad to let him... so i guess i am glad there wasn't, because it pushed me to try it myself. it was actually relatively easy. not sure if that is beginners luck, but i am glad.

this is the 2nd season of zoom - i don't know what year but i remember watching these ones... i remember bernadett and her butterfly arms...

i love these kids so much



at the end they always sang the address you could write into. the zip code at the end had a little melody to it...

ohhh twoo ooonne threee fourrr

:-)

i am finding treasure!

i'ts allright to cry


seriously check it



moral of the story is that grandmas kinda rule sometimes

i have been thinking lately of the things from my childhood that helped me survive. that is somewhat literal, there was a lot of very bad stuff going down for a lot of years.

a few weeks ago in the bookstore i picked up a narnia anthology and when i opened up to a time line that cs lewis had made for it i burst into tears. i couldn't really stop crying for a bit, which is somewhat embarassing to me but could be worse i guess. i wasn't sobbing, just tears flowing out of my eyes in a steady stream as i felt how reading those stories over and over again kept me aligned to what is good and true in this world in spite of the craziness around me. i am grateful.

just this week i had a similar experience with calvin and hobbes, altho that wasn't from my childhood - but it was from the early months when i first quit drinking, which can feel like a second childhood i guess, i was learning how to do things all over again in some ways. the comedy definitely helped - me and my boyfriend would read calvin and hobbes for hours. and we ended up apartment sitting and found hours and hours of kids in the hall, the simpsons and beavis and butthead. they were life savers. the calvin and hobbes struck a chord in me at the time and when i was reading some descriptions of the comics process for creating them it also moved me to tears.

and then tonight i wanted to see if i could find song links to this kids album i had from the 70's called free to be you and me and i found video! i had know idea there was a movie, or shorts or whatever it is. i haven't looked at them all yet, just the opening.

it's funny when i see all of the names of the people participating, the fame that they had, i wonder if they know how much it helped. that as a little girl in new jersey is hiding from an abusive parent she is listening to that little album with the pink cover over and over again and feeling that freedom and knowing there is good in this world. and people who are so excited about that goodness they want to sing about it. really loud. and play the banjo. yes.

i have been really into european sort of small snacky food lately. really light bread with cheese and prosciutto. it's been a little hard to eat lately so it figured i'd just go for what i wanted. i also got some spinach aritchoke dip tonight. mmm. and the other night i went with R. to a really nice italian rest on 17th by the thin man. authentic and yummy and they brought out the bread cut and put back together so it was shaped like a heart. i tried it myself tonight for my dinner and it worked :-) so i took a picture


and when i uploaded it i found some other pictures i had taken. i have a series of signs that i have taken over the years, i thought this could be a sign of sorts



and here is the kitty that comes by every few days for dinner or breakfast. he meows at the back door and lets me brush his fur. he was pretty thin when he started coming, so i don't know if he belongs to anyone else. A. said he's been around the neighborhood for a while. i am guessing its a boy, but i don't know his name.



i just found some more of the "signs" pics. this is the very first one that got me started. hahaha still just makes me crack up


this one is pretty funny too

i found my old notebooks from nyc 96 i think - st was asking me about them and it got me to thinking to go thru them and see what i can find and post it up here... it was an interesting time for me, i was newly sober, writing with a small writing group, and working in an actors studio workshop developing a character study of bertha pappenheim. she still fascinates me and i'd like to go back and study her some more. gosh this was pre-internet really so i don't know how i found out anything, the old fashioned way at the library i guess. sometimes i just tried to feel how it must have been.
she was the first case study by dr josef breuer and freud, she was the girl who came up with the phrase the "talking cure" to describe the therapy they did. in the book they first published on hysteria she was known as anna o. the story was full of blank spots and i would love to see a movie made about her someday. they weren't really able to cure her, and she ended up in an asylum, but then something happened and eventually she got out and became a human rights benefactor and headed up an orphanage etc. there was a lot to it i felt as a studied her, but a lot of mysteries too. i am going to go back and find some of the letters i wrote and see what is there. here is something i found that makes me happy...


the paper crinkles
is that his shadow?
i feel his hands
his face
this is not the face i know

i squint at the light
i hide my face

bring me out
call me out
talk me out

take me in
the way i was taken out

someone was writing me about going to nyc for the first time and for some reason it got me thinking about radioman...

my friend was filming a pilot for a new tv show and i went to visit her where they were shooting some scenes in central park there was this guy that looked like a typical new york homeless crazy guy. he was pretty dirty and dishevelled and had this big old honkin radio all taped up and on this rope hanging from his neck. he started asking my friend some questions and i thought she was being a good citizen and humoring him but then i heard him telling her that the show was going to be picked up for 13 weeks etc... i asked her what was that all about and she said 'oh that's radioman, he knows everything, if he says the show is being picked up then it is..." and he was right it turned out...

i'm trying to find pictures but instead i came across this in an interview with samuel jackson

Any Chance Samuel L Jackson Will Be Involved with Die Hard 4?: “The only person that’s talked to me about Die Hard 4 is Radio Man in New York. Radio Man’s this guy that most people think is homeless. He rides a bicycle around New York and he has this big radio and he’s everywhere. Robin Williams fashioned his character after him in Fisher King. But Radio Man, he’s a fascinating character. He knows everything about the business, everything that’s going on in New York. I could actually ask him my call-time for the next day and where we were shooting and he would know. He knows more about everything.”

According to Radio Man, Jackson will be in Die Hard 4. “He told me that Die Hard 4 was happening and that Bruce was doing it and that my character was going to own a limo company now, the character that I was in Die Hard 3 was owning a limo company now. I said, ‘Really? Nobody told me.’ And I called my agent…and she said she didn’t know. ‘They didn’t tell us.’ But if he says it it’s true…”

and here's some video (the link on the right of the page)
check it

radio man

i am at work right now and i just want to take a quick break to say that i think journey is my all time favorite band

anyway you want it


love
wendy

i've been mostly only wanting to play this one song in my car lately.

by zero zero

i found this album completely by accident, promptly forgot about it, then found it again a year later and fell in love with it... then i found out the people who made it had opened a record store in my home town... i love that shit

anyway here are the lyrics. i finally looked them up to try to understand why i keep playing the song...

True Zero

kid, tell the truth
was it worth it
did you go far

remember the dream
build a world to live free
without connection
live the dream with no apologies
give in to dreams
give in to wonder

did you find
in the course of time
any answers
did you lose heart

did you see the roads
stand on the coast
did you go so far
just to get back to zero

right now i'm listening to the first mix i made for the mix club and i had put it on there.

k i'm going back to cleaning out the cat's litter box room. yuck. haha and doing laundry. i love this kind of saturday night. seriously.

love
wendy

zero zero am gold added me as a friend on myspace. i know it's just an album, but i got really excited - like a crush had sent me an email. been listening to it over and over again

i have put some limits on myself, like how long i'm supposed to be sad, how many times i'm allowed to cry, how much grief im' supposed to feel relative to blah blah blah

but when i relax, and let myself feel, really feel...

my brain isn't quite working properly yet either. i really think i lost my mind for a while there, and tho i'm feeling mostly sane again, there are some things that just don't function the same.

some of it i like, i am finding i can't answer questions when someone isn't asking what they really want to know. and i can't understand when someone is saying something they don't really mean... and i'm having a very hard time saying anything i don't really mean either.

i miss my friend.

hearts to him and all of you

love
wendy

some things have happened

i got one of my favorite books extremely loud and incredibly close signed by one of my favorite authors jonathan safran foer. i was happy to meet him and it was an all around awesome night.

i took some pictures of stuff at our store Chielle





there have been old friends finding me or being found by me and pasts forgiven and trusts renewed. touches me more than i have been able to say really i think.

my dishes are still dirty and i seem to keep running out of clothes and never getting enough sleep but i don't know it seems like that will just balance out somehow i guess. i don't know how really. i guess i need to be the one to do that, haven't quite figured it out yet.

the game of thundersneak has started up again with the warm weather. ah.

my eldorado water delivery has come and gone and no signs from florida. i knew it might end with the ski season but still - wasn't sure. not sure if i mind really. but probably i do. well maybe not really. i was sending text msgs in my dream the other night. one was asking him if he was coming back. he wrote - yes we still have some content...
hmm

i think i might just like him because he is older anyway. well older than usual, not older than me.

i don't want to end it on that but i can't think of anything else really and i do need to sleep.
love
love

i really liked being a part of the fashion show for fashiondenver last night. the models were really great, beautiful women and girls and it felt like it had the real essence of what fashion is supposed to be, without drama or tears over who gets to wear the heels and who has to wear the flats

just fun fun fun and girly clothes and new designs and yummy fabrics. it felt good that it was part of a benefit too, b really knows how to link it all up and keep everything positive

tonight i am cleaning, going thru old papers and takin care of bizness yo

been trying to finish my mix for the club but my 2 favorite cds' this year aren't letting me rip them so i might have to just download, where the heck do i do that anyway. i know nothing about this, but i will find out. madrugada. grit. i have to put it on there. or i guess if anyone wants to hear track 5 & 8 you can listen in my car cuz that's where it's playing mostly every day.

i am going back to cleaning and organizing and throwing away. it is a good night for it. i think i will make some vanilla pudding.

ciao bellas

i went to my favorite restaurant in denver 2nite

the coral room

yummy

they are always really nice and bring you oreo cookies with your check